Written by: Gabriel Scott
Every generation has a great epidemic, the Spanish Flu, the black plague, silly bandz, but there is nothing as pernicious as the Lime scooters. Leaning on the cross walk sign and lined up like a silicon valley executive’s adderall rail, the limes sit, awaiting their next carrier. The jingle of the unlock is like a siren song. It calls to me, I try to fight it, but I am weak.
In the past I admit I was stronger, younger, maybe more naive. I had not learned yet of the power that the limes possessed. I was too prideful, I mean, no one really wants to be that guy. I felt too good for the limes. I was happy with my bipedal lifestyle. However, I found my pride was quickly overcome by my cheapness when I saw a coupon hanging from a scooter one day. I took a moment of reflection, I made sure all my chakras were aligned and I thought to myself, “Once I get on this thing, I’m a Lime scooter dude. Forever.” I knew from then on my life was going to be different. I don’t believe in God, but I felt his gaze this day. I could tell that dude was giving me the vibe check of a lifetime, and I’m here to say. I didn’t care at all. I was a flying baby, like zooming. UW1, UW2, DISCOVERY HALL, SEE YA FELLAS! I was moving.
Everything was making sense. The Lime was my steed and at $1 unlock plus 25 cents a minute I was the captain. My airpods floated into my ears and I could no longer speak broken. I had ascended. I wish I could experience life before Limes. I wish I could have that child-like wonder. It’s like finding out what McCauley Culkin looks like after watching Home Alone your whole life. I didn’t just open pandora’s box, I shook it like a runny ketchup bottle. We are living in a new reality, a Lime reality and the rules here are: Live hard. Scoot Fast. Or at least, that’s how it felt until I had to close the app and lock the lime. I snapped my picture of where it was sitting and walked into my apartment. I hit the “Share your Ride!” button, and posted it on my Instagram story because I’m a sociopath. I have taken many limes since that day.
It isn’t always perfect in the Lime world though. Recently, I was burned by Lime. I grabbed a Lime back home in the middle of the day and what did I see? My lime was still running from when I took it TO class. I took the picture and everything, but my tab was still running $22 and counting. I ran faster than a Lime to go and shut it off. I was destroyed. My one ally had betrayed me. How could a corporation who literally doesn’t know me, do such a thing.
I sat in mourning as I uninstalled the app. Every concert has its finale.
And yeah, Limes are a completely unnecessary idea, and the company is expected to lose $300 million in 2019, but that misses the point of this piece. Scooters are fun, and yeah I feel guilty for being a cog in this corporate plot, but when I’m 5 minutes late and the Lime sheds 6 minutes off my commute, I am willing to sacrifice some self image.